My Life is Spinning Out of Control Chocolate Chip Cookies

It’s been one helluva week. I took another leap further into adulthood by buying my first house. The American government’s offer of $8000, combined with plunging home values finally persuaded me to take a leap of faith and sink 75% of my liquid cash assets into a place of my own. The month leading up to the closing had been spent coaxing myself off the proverbial ledge, as the conservative thriftosaur battled it out with the slightly smaller, and much weaker, risk-taker within me. I rationalized my down payment (and subsequent plundering of life savings), as savings in a different form. Really, what was my money doing in the bank besides losing value anyway?

An hour after the closing, I found myself unlocking the door — excuse me — I meant my door, for the first time. After wandering through the upstairs and taking stock of the renovation that was in store for me, I descended into the basement only to be slapped in the face with my first-ever, brand-new home owner’s emergency: a failed sump-pump and standing, stinky water all over my basement floor. So what’s a cheeky chick to do in a situation like that? Lacking a knight in shining armor wielding plumbing tools, I drove myself to a hardware store, slapped down more of my hard-earned cash, bought myself a new sump-pump and installed (successfully, I might add) that bitch in the basement. To quote myself, “NOW WHAT!!!!”

The following days were a blur of sweat, manual labor and muscle aches, as I ripped out the old kitchen, removed the sodden and smelly carpeting, and hauled appliances from one part of the house to another. For the first time in my life, I wanted a tool belt – it seemed so practical… and regretted all the foolish ways I had squandered money during my youth as various handymen came by, giving me quotes for this, that and another thing my new abode required.

The stress of the days left me craving unholy things – things that were not good for me, blatantly unhealthy and, most likely, baked things. I wanted sweets like an alcoholic craves a drink. It called to mind my mom and how, when I was a child – just counter-top high or so – I would see the appearance of a low, mint-green melamine bowl. The young detective in me quickly pulled a chair up to peek in, although I already knew what it contained: fudge. Fudge was my mother’s homemade Xanax. It soothed her nerves during stressful times (read: periods, tax season, arguments with my father). We were never offered any, and anyone caught dipping into the pot would be faced with her wrath. The fudge was hers, and hers alone, to enjoy and indulge in. While I’ve never been one for fudge, I do appreciate a cookie (and cookie dough) when shit hits the fan. To this end, I offer the following:

My Life Is Spinning Out Of Control Chocolate-Chip Cookies

What you need:

2 cups + 2 Tbsp. all-purpose flour

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp. salt

1 & 1/2 sticks butter, melted and cooled until warm

1 cup brown sugar, packed

1/2 cup white sugar

1 large egg + 1 egg yolk

2 tsp. vanilla

2 & 1/4 cups of some combination of the following: chopped dark, milk or white chocolate, dried cherries, dried coconut, pecans, oatmeal, dried cranberries, or raisins – you choose.

(While it is easiest to make the dough in a stand mixer, like a Kitchen-Aid, you can also use a hand-beater, or mix it all by hand.) Cream cooled butter and both sugars. Beat in eggs and vanilla. In a separate bowl, add all dry ingredients, whisk until uniformly mixed and add to butter mixture in bowl. Mix until combined. Stir in your personalized mix of goodies until thoroughly combined. I will leave the next part to your discretion… while I find the quality of a cookie to be better after refrigerated a day, and then baked – if life is presenting you with a cookie emergency, by all means – bake ASAP in a 350-degree, preheated oven for 12-14 minutes, depending on your oven and how done you like the little devils.

One note regarding cookie shaping: I have found the best results come from using a 3 Tbsp. cookie scoop. Roll the scooped dough into a little ball with your hands, rip it in half, and then press the two halves together so that both cut faces face up. I also get better results when I bake them on a Silpat, or any other silicone baking mat.

While “The Man” tells me to tell you not to eat cookie dough raw, I will attest that I have eaten pounds of raw cookie dough in my lifetime and never had a problem. Take your life, and all the stress that surrounds it, in your own hands and eat the damn dough if the mood strikes you.