When we talk about sex, we often talk about heating things up, making sex hotter, igniting the flame, or stoking the fires. All this in the name of passion and hotness and (did you hear me?) HOT SEX!
But anyone who’s had sex for longer than a few months of their lives knows that sex isn’t all about rush-rushing into the sack. It’s not always about getting your clothes off as quickly as humanly possible and the best sex doesn’t always start with having a tongue thrust down your throat at the door – not that that’s always a bad thing, mind you. It’s just that there’s more to good sex than hot, crazy, passionate lust.
Good sex is also lovely. It can be connecting, vulnerable, sweet, funny, or kind. To find the warmth – and not just the heat – in your sex life this year, resolve to try something along these lines:
- Stay in bed. Maybe it’s for an hour, maybe it’s all day. Consider staying in bed and playing. Talk, have sex, watch a movie, read books or the newspaper or your favorite blogs side by side. Then have more sex. It’s all part of an intimate package.
- Look into your partner’s eyes. Truly gazing at each other can make for a completely different experience of sex. It doesn’t have to be full-eye-contact-the-entire-time sex like some of the weirder New Age-y tantric sex videos. It could be for five seconds during woman-on-top in an otherwise passionate exchange. Or it could be two tender minutes as you start to kiss and start foreplay.
- Give and give some more. Though sex often is about mutual exchanges of pleasure, sometimes it feels good down to your core (and yes, even a little arousing) to please your partner and expect nothing in return. Start by massaging his or her back, then kiss all the way down your partner’s spine before turning them over for oral sex or for their favorite position. Why only give it at the office when you can give at home, too?
- Talk to your partner. Say the kinds of things you wish he or she would say to you. Sure, maybe they’re lines ripped from a Hollywood rom-com, but if they feel good to you, why not try them? Or say something that’s purely from your heart. Tell your partner that you love them or that they are the most beautiful or most handsome person in the world. Or that when they touch you, you get goose bumps. (If your vibrator is your partner, you may need to be a little more creative with your sweet-nothings – “The feel of your soft, silicone touch is more lovely than the hard plastic I used to know…”).
Adding warmth to your sex life may make you feel more vulnerable. You may wonder if your partner is going to be as receptive to the emotional side of sex or to your whispered words or proclamations of love or liking as you hoped. Taking that risk, however, is often one of the first, most needed steps toward connecting and meaningful sex.
Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH is a sex researcher and educator at Indiana University, the sex columnist at Time Out Chicago and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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