Resolve to Learn More About Sex

Part of having better, more enjoyable and – yes, possibly more easily orgasmic – sex has to do with learning about it. Most women and men didn’t learn much about sex in middle or high school. If you did learn about sex, you probably learned mostly about preventing infections or pregnancy or the myriad reasons why teachers and parents thought you should wait to have sex.

Now that you are having sex, you probably have more questions about pleasure, relationships, desire, sex during pregnancy, orgasm – all the things that didn’t get covered years ago! This year, take the time to learn more about what sex is (or could be) like as an adult. Here are my top five picks for learning about sex in a way that will likely make for yummier solo or partnered play:

1.  Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction by Debby Herbenick, PhD

Well, I wrote Because It Feels Good so, of course, it’s one of my top picks! Aside from personal bias, though, let me tell you about the book so you can decide if it’s a good fit for you or not. Because It Feels Good is packed with research-based information but written in a regular (and fun) style. I wanted to show readers how they can have “better sex more of the time” as I generally feel that the “mind blowing sex” that many magazines promise us sets many women up for disappointment. Can you have mind blowing sex sometimes? Sure! But that often? Probably not. In Because It Feels Good, you’ll find out how learning to say no to sex can make for an overall more pleasurable sex life, how mindfulness exercises can help to boost women’s arousal, how to negotiate different levels of desire with a partner, how to navigate the increasingly large range of vibrators and other sex toys, how to introduce a sex toy with a partner, how to choose and use lubricants and some beginners’ information for those who are interested in trying anal sex.

2.  The New Male Sexuality: The Truth About Men, Sex and Pleasure by Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD

This is one of my favorite books. It’s a book that I believe all men and all women who love/like/lust after men should read. Dr. Zilbergeld worked with hundreds if not thousands of couples over the course of his career as a sex therapist. Reading this book helped me to better understand the way that men are raised, the types of performance pressure (for strong, always ready erections and ejaculation on command) that men are taught to have, and how men and women sometimes talk “past” each other without understanding where the other is coming from. The book details common sexual problems that men and couples face and provides ideas for tackling issues such as performance anxiety, erectile problems, and premature ejaculation.

3.  Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents’ Guide to Getting It On Again by Ian Kerner, PhD and Heidi Raykell

For those of you who are new moms and dads, you may wonder how you can possibly do it all: care for a new baby or a toddler and still make time for your partner. Some days, it probably seems as though you will never, ever have good sex again – let alone, the type of close, connecting, no-interruption type of sex you used to have before you had a baby. The authors of this book are both experienced parents – and Ian Kerner is also a sex expert who has helped many couples to improve their sexual lives (through baby and all).

4.  For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy by Lonnie Barbach, PhD

Though an older book, this is a classic. It’s frequently used in sex therapy to help couples to reconnect, grow closer, and regain feelings of sexual desire and interest. What I like about this book is that, like The New Male Sexuality, it explains how women and men are raised with very different ideas about sex, bodies, and relationships – and shows how we can overcome these differences for rewarding sex lives. There are also specific tips and techniques for how couples can improve their sex lives.

5.  The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health by Elizabeth Gunter Stewart, MD and Paula Spencer

If you have a vagina and vulva or if you like/love/lust after someone who does, this book is a great resource to have around. It’s not the kind of book one reads all in one day but it is the kind of book you may turn back to over and over again when you have questions about why things hurt, itch, or burn “down there.”  It’s a treasure trove for information about having sex in spite of pain or discomfort, whether to treat yeast infections at home or not (SPOILER ALERT: usually not), how to choose lubricants, and why some pubic hair removal methods are better suited for certain women and not others.

Of course, these five books are just the tip of the iceberg, but I believe they will have you wanting to learn more about sex, more about your body, and more about the person you share your life and/or your bed with. And that would be a terrific start to 2010.

Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH is a sex researcher and educator at Indiana University, the sex columnist at Time Out Chicago and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.